Dear Best Friend,
Tonight I said something to someone about you that I thought I would never admit. I admitted that the only reason I push you to go to the school of your dreams is because I want to get over you. Getting over you has been the biggest struggle for the passed few years. To be completely honest: I love you. I love you more than I will probably love any man in my life. Seeing you makes my heart skip a beat over & over again. I just wish I could get over that feeling because well it is more than clear you will never want to be with me. Even though I have accepted that… I still find it extremely difficult to get over you.
I guess you can say it all started in middle school when we became really good friends. You were such a nice person who actually believed in me when I was trying to give up. It meant more to me than anything else in the world. Then you were just a friends, I didn’t see you any other way. I can’t exactly pin-point the exact time I started liking you but it just happened. And well it has spiraled into something much bigger than I ever expected.
You know, I bet you don’t know this but every time I see you my day gets that much better. And the time we have spent together on debate trips and even just hanging out has meant more than anything to me. During this last year of high school, I have been trying to cherish every moment we spend together because well, it is more than clear things may just fade in years to come. I have been pushing you to finish everything for that dream school of yours because in the back of my head I hope that maybe I will finally just get over you and get on with my life.
Something I have noticed is that… well… when i first mentioned that I liked you… ever since then you have been pushing me away. Not saying you’re doing it on purpose but our friendship has been diminishing over the years and sometimes I just sit here and think about all those times we used to share and I just want to cry because it seems like I am losing the one person I ever truly cared about.
But I guess that doesn’t make sense because I did say that I wanted you to go to school in New York because I needed to get over you. There is no safe way to handle any of this because well… at the end of any day in any month…in any year.. I will be in love with you.
And it’s weird because I run from this guy to that guy just hoping that one day you will finally leave my heart. Have you ever loved someone that you never had a true chance with? It hurts more than anything in the world. Even while I type this I have tears flooded in my eyes and everything is blurry because it just hurts.
Funny thing is… If you had told me at anytime that you wanted to be with me… I would have dropped everything and anyone just to say you’re mine. But I am not that girl to you. And I just don’t understand how I let myself get so emotionally invested in someone who just did not want me. And the worst part is even though I refer to you as my best friend… it is clear to me & the rest of the world… you really don’t feel the same.
You also don’t know this… but I don’t open up to people. I just don’t. Every guy I have ever been involved with can easily tell you that their biggest problem with me was the fact I never opened up. And honestly… that is all because of the time I did open up to you about my feelings and you shut me down. Ever since then… I have been afraid to open up.
I am just sitting here rambling. I really wish that I had the guts to say any of this to you… but I never will. But I guess there isn’t much to say other than… I wish I wasn’t in love with you. I’m done trying to show you I want to be with you. I am done asking you to prom. I am done being so dumb think we could be together.
Sincerely,
Ashley
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